I Went Looking for Women My Age at the Farmers Market. Here's What I Found.

I went to the Green Market in West Palm Beach this morning.  It was busy and there was so much there I could feel myself start to get amped up so, I decided to just settle down and be present.  Grabbed a smoothie and passed on all the decadent goodies, strolled through the stands offering all kinds of wares and began just focusing on the people.  I noticed that there were not a lot of people my age.  Everyone looked very young.  That in and of itself was striking.

I thought where are the women my age?  I found myself scanning looking for them-the women who had that somewhat sagging skin, the lines in their faces, the big hats and the bags to carry their stuff.  I found them and I watched them.  I tried to smile and make eye contact to connect but they didn’t see me.   They did not seem to notice things around them.  They did not look sad; they looked efficient and somewhat stoic focused on their task rather than the world going on around them.

As I was walking back to the car, I stopped and sat on a bench looking out onto the park.   As is my nature, I observe, I ponder and I relate.

I mused about the women I saw.  These strangers who I observed.  And I wondered?  Have they resigned themselves to not being part of a culture that seems to value youth and relegate those of us who are older into the background.  Have they found what matters and are focused on taking care of themselves instead of being distracted by the noise around them?  Do they want to be seen or feel the relief of being somewhat invisible? And are they hiding and withdrawing or merely seeking peace? And most of all, is it their choice or do they feel it just became that.

I became acutely aware of myself at that moment and at this time of my life. I began to drift back to how I used to be.  I remembered “the me” in my youth and “the me” today.   I looked down at my clothing wearing a cotton dress with muted colors and Birkenstock style sandals.  Birkenstock when at one point in my life I was wearing 4-inch spiked heels and clothing so bright no one ever doubted I was a winter.  Today my hair was pulled back in a clip where I used to have a short pixie colored with a magenta stripe. And instead of the big costume jewelry that matched every outfit, I now wear the same simple pendant every day.   I am not who I was. 

So, I ask myself, have I resigned myself to not being part of a culture that values youth.  Yes, the truth is I have.  I honestly deep in my heart believe that no one will notice either way.  If I am put together, have on make-up and attractive clothing I know that as an overweight woman of 65 I really am unlikely to be noticed.  I know that I am not the one likely to catch a man’s eye or be admired based on my appearance.  And though that makes me sad, there is also tremendous relief in that.  I dress for myself today not for others.  I wear perfume because I love the smell of the fragrance. I put lipstick on because I love the color.  I also love that I can throw on a baseball cap, and no one will notice. 

Have I found what matters and let go of all the noise.  That is a strong yes.  Without realizing it, I have become much more discerning about who and what I give my attention and energy to.   I used to be so loud. I remember that when I was a teenager, I was this enormous personality.   I was the one screaming from the bleachers at a school game and sometimes so obnoxious in school that I was kicked out of the classroom more than once. I had the most distinctive laugh and voted Most Talkative in HS.  I am now asked to speak up whenever I talk in a group setting.   I still love my laugh, but what I have learned is that it is not the volume or the number of words I speak but what I really have to say. 

But do I hide?  And the truth is yes, sometimes.  Sometimes it all is too much and what a gift hiding in plain sight can offer.  I find myself worrying about being too much.  When I was younger it was all about not being good enough.  Haven’t found that sweet spot yet but I do find that when I am myself a lot of people seem to enjoy me.

So, am I giving in vs giving up? Bowing out vs being pushed aside?  Choosing to observe vs horning in.? Seeking to be a part of things vs the center of attention?

The beautiful answer is yes.  All those things are options today.  When I was younger, I felt I had to be one way.  Today I can be any way and different every day.  I have choice.  I have agency. I make decisions based on what works for me, not the default behavior of a culture telling me I no longer matter.

But I am not a faded version of myself.  I am an evolved version.  I have transformed from that younger girl seeking so much external attention to someone who has learned to be more introspective and find value and worth in other ways. I like my soft hair, my soft clothes and my simple jewelry. 

So, were those women invisible and if they were, was it by choice?  I think the key I need to sit with is that it doesn’t really matter if I am invisible in the world.  I need to make sure I don’t become invisible to myself.